Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
