First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
