so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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