His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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