You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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