I accidentally burped into my bong.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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