Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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