I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize