He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Randomize
