Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
