hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
