so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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