Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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