I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
