how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
