It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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