I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
