I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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