If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Randomize
