My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
the raccoons are back...
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