do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
