Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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