Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
