Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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