my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
