history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
