and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
