I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Girls should come with a carfax report
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
