Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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