ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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