god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
