If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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