The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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