I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
