i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
