sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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