You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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