She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
