seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
