Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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