everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
