I can feel you judging me through the phone.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
