he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
