He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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