I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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