I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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