he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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