i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
