dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
