i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
