My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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