i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
