i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
