I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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