the condom got lost in my hair
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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