I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
