I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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