sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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