i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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