the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
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