cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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