Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
